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This is Part 2 with Lessons #6-10. Last week’s post featured Lessons #1-5.

The turning
point happened when my sister passed on from cancer in 2003. She had been
estranged from her husband for years and her only daughter had died the year
before, also of cancer. I didn’t want to die the same way, alone and lonely. Besides,
at the time my three children already had careers of their own. It was my time!
I wanted to cook, teach, travel, write, and, yes, love a little.” 

The last one
would have been impossible in Manila. When I became a high-ranking government
official, the annulment of my marriage became easier to obtain, a usually long
and expensive process. Even then, I found out that all the good ones were
already taken. Since two of my children had left the nest to emigrate to North
America, I followed them and learned these five lessons.  

Lesson
Number 6: “Projectize” what you want to happen.

“Finding Him”
was to be the most important project in my life. First, I clarified my goal and
drew a description of the kind of person I wanted to marry. He must be college-educated,
five years older, and five inches taller. Learning from Lesson Number 1, I cast
my net wide. I thought there must be someone meant for me from the seven billion
people in the whole world! The task was to find him.

It may not
have been that popular then but today most relationships fashionably start
online. My sister who had already been “shopping,” put me on Match.com. Voila! The
letters came and cheapskate me didn’t have to pay a single cent. From the “candidates,”
I zeroed in on a naturopath from Texas. We shared one passion (Lesson Number 5):
helping my sister beat the dreaded C. Good looks, good profession, and a voice
like Frank Sinatra’s drew me to long chats with him.

Lesson
Number 7: Go for more than long-distance relationships.

When I got
to Seattle, he came to visit me and immediately popped the question. Having waited
for 20 years to be asked again, I readily said yes. After the wedding, he
nursed me back to health (I was a mere 101 pounds, utterly burned out when I
entered America) and soon I bounced back with energy. But after a long road
trip to Virginia and another to California, he dropped a bomb: he was tired of
travel. 

The
unwelcome truth that he lied to me before came just as a life-altering event
happened. After 4 sisters, 3 daughters, and 2 granddaughters, I wanted to go to
Calgary to take care of a grandson about to be born in Calgary. My ex-husband did
not understand a grandmother’s heart; worse, not a Filipino heart!
Against his vehement objections, I puffed my last cigarette, threw the
unfinished pack away, flew to Canada, and filed for divorce.

Yes, long-distance
relationships can hide parts of a person.

Lesson
Number 8: Consider all 7 Qs.

I may have
been an experienced project manager, but I clearly had no clue about how to get
to know a person enough to marry him. When another grandson was born in
Seattle, I went back to the US to take care of him. I told myself I could try
again but I had to choose better this third time. Perhaps it would be a charm.

While volunteering
for SCORE (Service Corps of Retired Executives), I was invited to teach at
three institutions of higher learning. Babysitting during the day, my nights
and weekends were spent teaching. It was another burn-out waiting to happen. My
concerned sister “advertised” me on Match.com again.

Soon I had
many dates. When I had narrowed down the search to two, one for a Friday evening
date and the other for Saturday evening, my then nine-year-old granddaughter
cried foul and said, “Mama, if you don’t choose Bill, I will never speak to you
again.” My family had recognized he had the superior EQ (emotional quotient),
the most important of the 7Qs. It is a framework a late psychiatrist-friend suggested
to me. I put it to good use. Please see Part 3 for the details.

Lesson
Number 9: Change the circumstances.

Finding him
is only half the story. Keeping him is the other half. Bill and I met late in
life with deep-set habits and cultural, gender, and individual differences. In
2013, after a series of conflicts, we decided to give space to each other. Bill
left me in Seattle after New Year’s Day and proceeded to his son in Boise. 

When he came
back on Valentine’s Day, we realized that we had to change our circumstances. After
RVing for eight years in North America, he had gotten tired of all the driving
(I don’t). We needed to reboot. We still shared a passion for travel (Lesson
Number 5), the first
secret to a lasting marriage. We bought a home, sold our RV, and bought four
months of timeshare to travel the world.

Lesson
Number 10: Stay with commitment and respect.

Bill had a
twenty-nine-year marriage that ended only because his wife passed on due to
cancer. My first marriage ended after nine years; my second, only two. His
constant plea was for me to view the totality of the relationship and its
long-term nature, not any specific situation and certainly not just the moment.
He showed me how the commitment to stay together is the second secret.

I discovered
that this is easier (unlike with my first husband) when there is a deep respect
for the other. We came to accept that we would probably never have worked out
as a couple at the height of our careers when we were very competitive. But at
the age we met, our past accomplishments were the source of that deep respect
for each other. This is the third secret.

Next week: Using
the Net and the 7Qs